saba7 el kheir ya afdal yom tel3et 3aleih shams

what is going on ? my blog here at last is in english..everything was in japanese and i was blogging keda bel shabah..and here i am lying on the floor as usual on my mattress,with new location under the ladder that leads my brother to his attic..do i have to speak about the previous hard days ? i have been crying no doubt,crying a lot out of remembering the past failures..am just facing an important door infront of me now..will it be opened? am tapping on it hard ..but am not gonna beg..no begging no more..i already knew the lessons taken from begging..no begging in love..no begging in work , business and study..am cold ,it is zero outside, my feet are cold and my hands..listening to some music through the headphones,ahmad fahmi is singing we howa be3eid,in his new tape..soothing in this cold night,cold dawn of friday , the best day ever..am now on the land that is known as the first land on which the sun rises over the earth..am on the floor of my room in plaire , okayama , japan..and today is friday..first rays of light are now pushing the darkness away..we are expecting the sun to warm today , friday , afdal ayam allah on earth..shall i talk about sleepless nights?..been sleepless for days..thinking , crying , remembering the heartache, listening to mama telling me that my first love has called telling her he is now engaged , he wanted to tell me that..well , i thought u were my first love but you ain't..it is over and am feeling nothing ..realy nothing towards you..i know myself quite well to understand how i feel...all i have been crying over was really the past failures , the ones that i can never hide from , and if i do , will i be able to delete them from my memory?..am pushing them aside and it is hard..crying is doing me no good..am crying because i got no answer from the japanese professor..he never returned fones or emails..has he come back from the other island?yeah..thank god enno matkhatafsh, kheir we baraka..rege3 men korea?iwa ya setty..alf salama ya basha..answer me ba2a allah la yesei2ak..nothing..no word..ok , just hit me by saying the famous 'NO'..and i will not ask you why no and not yes..am now packing , am leaving..why should i care? ur answer is quite obvious , it is no..reham , just be patient , here they do not take the decision easily..ok , am waiting ...but it is killing me..i felt as if am entering through the fire..i was burnt inside , crying all the time to put this fire off..in vain ..i got puffy eyes and that is all..am still burning inside..etwadeit we saleit ..saleit aktar, we nemt..se7eit men kam yom ,needing to pray , i opened the quran and started reading..all the time been reading yasein and praying..the day i made estekhara, i felt peace inside..crying stopped and i felt that the fire went off..weither yes or no , it is now equal..am not burning any more..i keep reading quran and praying..bad3i rabena wana fee aii 7etta..lessa bashtery 7agat men hena we henak..mashya fel share3 bad3i rabena ..khalas balem el shanta we 7amshi men SE asia, khalas it is over..but still some hope in the air lingering..i just want this energy i feel, the connection i feel with japan and with the adorable face of the japanese doctor to be over ..yes or no , i just want an answer to return back to cairo..i love cairo and miss it a lot..my mother is missing me , my father is so happy am coming home in few days inshallah..and am waiting for an answer..chocolate , icecream and watching movies are not soothing me..only prayers , do3a2, salah..i feel lots of signs here getting me attached more to japan ..seeing the face of a muslim japanese guy ,forums about muslims in japan , opening the herald tribune and finding an add written in arabic about halal shops in tokyo,people supporting me here , japanese that love me and keep inviting me over coffee aiming for a little chat in french or english..remembering the good times i had in osaka and kyoto..the good laughters i had from the heart , and back here with tears and heartaches..i had another sleepless night today also ,i slept at around 12 and woke up at 3 , alert with no exhaustion..ok , it is time for reading quran..i read and read and heard some quran online..i prayed el fagr and asked god for mercy..rabena wala to7amelna ma la takata lana beih..let me see what tomorrow shall bring...