the light within..

this is my third day with the God damn stomach flu.
I keep loosing fluids and K,i guess this is the reason behind me feeling low.
Even an icecream will not lift me up..regaining my inner strength through food is gone for ever,approx. starting one year ago..since i started to be sick and started to be seeking medical advices-besides mine :D..
I hate myself now..no matter how many showers and wet towels and eau de cologne i use- no matter what type i use-i still smell like diarrhoea and feel like diarrohea ..how do we write it ?
no matter how i look or how i feel , my mama still loves me..i don't know how.
Sometimes am a mad person, a horrible one, full of shit..Am a bull, this is my star sign and now am on the edge.
Since my arrival to Cairo ,this was approx 6 months ago,and i do nothing except being sick and under treatment.
6 months of my life went away...my heart is terribly bleeding..terribly.
I try to search the light within me to try to help lifting me up from what i am in .. find it difficult.
Never has it crossed my mind that i could be facing all these losses in a very short time.
No matter how my plans were working in the right direction,something came from the sky to blow it all away.
My heart is bleeding,truly..over the time and effort lost..over the lost moments and chances.
My mama still tells me you never know what was the worse that was hiding for you...and i look at her and say: worse that this ?
my heart is still bleeding and i need a major mood transplant to lift me up.
The loss is the worst thing in life..you know why dear reader ? because it made me see that this life is worthless and everything i did was lost..7asad el hashim, kabd el rei7.
I hate that .
I hate myself for smelling like lactulose and feeling like shit.
I hate this fucking stomach flu...